This Great Sorrow

August 14th and August 18th, 2009:
Grief is like breaking open a raw egg on top of something. It pours out at first and then seeps down and permeats the rest of the container. Grief has been poured out on me and even when I'm having a "decent" day, it still has invaded every crack and crevice of my heart, my mind and my soul.

Grief is like a piece of tender meat that is being pounded with a meat tenderizer. It becomes pulverized. That is how my heart feels, as if it is being pulverized, hanging in shreds, a lump in my chest, numb at times, with no feeling whatsoever, and inscruciatingly painful at other times.

This Sorrow does not leave. This Great Sorrow is my constant companion. I have not learned to embrace her yet. I wonder if there will be a time we will become close friends. With such friends, who needs enemies, right? Yet, there is a comfort in her companionship. I don't know why. Perhaps because Great Sorrow knows and feels my pain while she is traveling alongside me. She gives me allowance to be myself and work through the process. I think she wants to draw closer to me, but I am still holding her at arm's length. This is just way too painful to accept. I can't face acceptance at this point.