It's now January 23, 2010. "The Great Sorrow" has not left me and I don't know if she ever will. I realize that now. It's not that I go around down in the mouth.
In the past six months, I ran my 10th half-marathon, completing a goal of "10 by 50," remodeled my kitchen, living room and bedroom, traveled to Florida, made it through the holidays, have spent hours working out with friends and spending good times with my children.
But it also has been an emotional roller coaster, looking upward and anticipating one moment, and then spiralling downward with my heart in my throat. I've laughed till I cried. I've wept till there were no more tears left. I've been so angry that I've yelled at the heavens, mostly at my husband for leaving me. I've surrendered and taken back that surrender. I've praised and worshipped. I've been silently distant. I've blamed myself and obsessed over that blame, only to just let it go. I've suffered watching my children suffer. I breathe sighs of relief as I see them progress.
How long this will last I do not know. Six months ago today we left for Colorado, celebrating our 32nd anniversary on that day of preparation and travel, not knowing it would be our last.
My thankfulness, however, for 32 years, will never change. I remember on the way out to Colorado, specifically looking two different times at Chris and thinking, "Thank you, Lord, for my husband." This Fall, when I related that to Audra, my 18-year-old, she told me that she always knew that I loved her dad by the way I looked at him. My children have a precious gift in that and that will always to me be a "Great Joy."
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Brenda, I'm so glad you've started this blog. I pray that it's healing for you to share your heart in your journey of raw grief. Know that God still brings you to my mind many times and pray for you when I think of you. I appreciate your shear honesty. It may not always be easy for you to share in your grief but it helps me to know how to pray for you. Love you!
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