I always have a current response to my journal entry that was written in those first three months. This is a response that includes a journal entry of September 27th and my current response to it:

Pastor Brad spoke on grace and truth today-waves of grace was his phrase. Interesting, isn't it, that I had just compared crying and how it is like a wave that swells until it reaches its peak....waves of grief and waves of grace...hmm.

Waves of grief and waves of grace, one is not welcome, but the other is. Waves of grief come crashing down, unyielding, inconsolable, and unbearable. But then when we turn to Jesus, waves of grace upon waves of grace are available to bring surrender, consolation and hope. I'd rather have one and not the other, but I would not want waves of grief without having also experienced the waves of grace. As unbending and unsympathetic are the waves of grief, even more so are the waves of grace gentle, kind and comforting, giving strength to live through the grief that has so engulfed me.

Today, March 28th, 2010, those waves do not crash as often. It's now been 8 months and I miss him still so very much. The waves are more intermittent now and that is helpful. But as I speak of the intermittent waves, I am speaking of the waves of grief. Those waves of grace are still constant, faithful and relentless, just as God's love and just as the love of my husband was.

I can say that life is good because God is good. Life is not what was planned and has taken a cruel turn, but since I am one who has experienced and continues to experience, those waves of grace, I truly can say that life is good.

Waves of Grief and Running the Race

Posting from my journal entry of September 26th:

2 months ago today my husband went to be with the Lord. What can I say to that?

Today I ran the half marathon in Fort Wayne and accomplished my goal of 10 by 50 (ten half-marathons by the time I'm fifty). I dedicated this run to Chris, who was always so excited for me and supported me so well with my running. I did it, with help from the One who is greater. Along with Char, I did it!

Okay, so now I've lived two months without him. I could never explain to anyone what these two months have been like. Impossible! Crying has taken on a new depth. It is like a wave that swells until it reaches its peak and then crashes down on the shore, receding back into the ocean. Riding that wave has been neither a thrill, nor enjoyable. It has been painful, sorrowful and overwhelming.

I am so sad all the time. Even when I'm laughing, I am sad. This is not the future we had planned.