Bill and Char told me today about a young woman at the YMCA who collapsed on the treadmill in cardiac arrest. She was right beside a firefighter who did all the right things--CPR, the use of the defibrillator they have there at the Y....she lives. I'm so very thankful that she lived-what a blessing for her and her family.
Chris collapsed in the middle of the night, and within seconds, a cardiac nurse was there doing all the right things, and within minutes, the EMTs shocked him twice...he died. So my question is this: Why did it work for the woman (and I'm very glad it did), but it did not work for my husband? He was not, nor had he, been doing anything strenuous. She was on a treadmill and lived. He was sleeping and died.
The anger I felt at the beginning toward Chris is not redirected toward anyone or anything. What happened to Chris is a result of his genetic condition. He was under the best care around and there is no rhyme or reason as to why he left now and not 20 or 30 years from now.
He did not choose to die by failing to tell me that he wasn't feeling well for 2 1/2 days. He was trying to save me from worrying and the group from a ruined vacation. Though his plans surely failed, he did not want to go when he did.
You know, my family went through 7 deaths in 7 months last year, Chris's being the over-the-top death for us, of course.
I have no words of wisdom, no grand life-changing insight, nothing to share that rocks this world, except this....
GOD LOVES ME.
Nothing more. Nothing less.
GOD LOVES ME. PERIOD.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Anger in its Raw Form
August 26, 2009: It is exactly one month to the day that Chris died. He has been in heaven for one month. What is it like, Chris? What are you doing right now? Are you sleeping, as I should be doing (it's 1:44 a.m.)? Are you building something, hiking, running, singing to the Lord, on your face before Him, talking to your dad, my mom, playing with your child and grandchild, talking to someone like Keith Green, one of your favorite Christians of all time?
You know that I am annoyed sometimes that you are having such a great time while we are so miserable here. And it is just way too long until I see you.
August 30, 2009: You know, Chris, Allison told me about a dream she had. She and you were laughing together. She woke up and the words to the song "Parting Glass" were on her mind: "Good night and may joy be yours." "Parting Glass" is an Irish ballad sung by a man who is dying and speaking to those he is leaving behind--"Though it is my lot to go and not yours, Good night and may joy be yours."
Good night and may joy be mine? Is that what you would say to me? That makes me so angry! Easy for you to say! It gave Allison peace, but it did not have that effect on me. May joy be mine???? You can say that--you're up in heaven with more of an eternal perspective. I'm trying to remember to breathe my next breath or how to take my next step. May joy be mine? Tell me when and I'll take it as mine, but it sure isn't here and I can't see it! JOY??????
You know, I am really angry! Why, Chris, did you not tell me Wednesday night that you weren't feeling well? Why didn't you tell me on Thursday or Friday? Why did you wait until Saturday? You know, THAT might be the reason you died! They might have caught something before it happened, who knows? Are you happy now? Because we're sure miserable, all because you were trying to be so stupid about all of that. I had told you multiple times to not keep stuff like that to yourself! And you did it anyway! And look what happened! So much of the time I have been blaming myself for not even thinking about taking you to the ER on Saturday, but you didn't seem in distress! This wasn't my fault! This was your fault! Are you happy? I hope you're happy because somebody might as well be! Right???? Good night and may joy be yours all sounds so heroic and poetic, but it really pisses me off! You were not heroic, nor were you poetic about this whole thing! You were idiotic! There! I said it!!!
And grief is a helper? (My counselor friend suggested I think about that concept.) Well, I've thought about it and I'd just as soon do things myself, thank you! I could do without this whole grief thing! It totally sucks and I'm totally sick of grieving!
You know that I am annoyed sometimes that you are having such a great time while we are so miserable here. And it is just way too long until I see you.
August 30, 2009: You know, Chris, Allison told me about a dream she had. She and you were laughing together. She woke up and the words to the song "Parting Glass" were on her mind: "Good night and may joy be yours." "Parting Glass" is an Irish ballad sung by a man who is dying and speaking to those he is leaving behind--"Though it is my lot to go and not yours, Good night and may joy be yours."
Good night and may joy be mine? Is that what you would say to me? That makes me so angry! Easy for you to say! It gave Allison peace, but it did not have that effect on me. May joy be mine???? You can say that--you're up in heaven with more of an eternal perspective. I'm trying to remember to breathe my next breath or how to take my next step. May joy be mine? Tell me when and I'll take it as mine, but it sure isn't here and I can't see it! JOY??????
You know, I am really angry! Why, Chris, did you not tell me Wednesday night that you weren't feeling well? Why didn't you tell me on Thursday or Friday? Why did you wait until Saturday? You know, THAT might be the reason you died! They might have caught something before it happened, who knows? Are you happy now? Because we're sure miserable, all because you were trying to be so stupid about all of that. I had told you multiple times to not keep stuff like that to yourself! And you did it anyway! And look what happened! So much of the time I have been blaming myself for not even thinking about taking you to the ER on Saturday, but you didn't seem in distress! This wasn't my fault! This was your fault! Are you happy? I hope you're happy because somebody might as well be! Right???? Good night and may joy be yours all sounds so heroic and poetic, but it really pisses me off! You were not heroic, nor were you poetic about this whole thing! You were idiotic! There! I said it!!!
And grief is a helper? (My counselor friend suggested I think about that concept.) Well, I've thought about it and I'd just as soon do things myself, thank you! I could do without this whole grief thing! It totally sucks and I'm totally sick of grieving!
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