Anger in its Raw Form

August 26, 2009: It is exactly one month to the day that Chris died. He has been in heaven for one month. What is it like, Chris? What are you doing right now? Are you sleeping, as I should be doing (it's 1:44 a.m.)? Are you building something, hiking, running, singing to the Lord, on your face before Him, talking to your dad, my mom, playing with your child and grandchild, talking to someone like Keith Green, one of your favorite Christians of all time?

You know that I am annoyed sometimes that you are having such a great time while we are so miserable here. And it is just way too long until I see you.

August 30, 2009: You know, Chris, Allison told me about a dream she had. She and you were laughing together. She woke up and the words to the song "Parting Glass" were on her mind: "Good night and may joy be yours." "Parting Glass" is an Irish ballad sung by a man who is dying and speaking to those he is leaving behind--"Though it is my lot to go and not yours, Good night and may joy be yours."

Good night and may joy be mine? Is that what you would say to me? That makes me so angry! Easy for you to say! It gave Allison peace, but it did not have that effect on me. May joy be mine???? You can say that--you're up in heaven with more of an eternal perspective. I'm trying to remember to breathe my next breath or how to take my next step. May joy be mine? Tell me when and I'll take it as mine, but it sure isn't here and I can't see it! JOY??????

You know, I am really angry! Why, Chris, did you not tell me Wednesday night that you weren't feeling well? Why didn't you tell me on Thursday or Friday? Why did you wait until Saturday? You know, THAT might be the reason you died! They might have caught something before it happened, who knows? Are you happy now? Because we're sure miserable, all because you were trying to be so stupid about all of that. I had told you multiple times to not keep stuff like that to yourself! And you did it anyway! And look what happened! So much of the time I have been blaming myself for not even thinking about taking you to the ER on Saturday, but you didn't seem in distress! This wasn't my fault! This was your fault! Are you happy? I hope you're happy because somebody might as well be! Right???? Good night and may joy be yours all sounds so heroic and poetic, but it really pisses me off! You were not heroic, nor were you poetic about this whole thing! You were idiotic! There! I said it!!!

And grief is a helper? (My counselor friend suggested I think about that concept.) Well, I've thought about it and I'd just as soon do things myself, thank you! I could do without this whole grief thing! It totally sucks and I'm totally sick of grieving!