Grief In Its Raw Form

August 6, 2009
So, how am I to live my life now without Chris? Who will the new "me" be? Will I like the new me? Do I want there to be a new me? I liked it when it was "us." It has been "Chris and Brenda" for 37 years now. How can it now only be "Brenda?" My "other" has been disconnected.

I will get through all of this financial stuff. I will get through the thank you notes. I will get through all of the sympathetic looks. I will send out all of the death certificates that are needed. Life will go on.

So what will this chapter in my book of life be entitled? What are some of the chapters in my book entitled now? "God's Grace/Forgetting What's Behind" "God's Grace Through Mom's Attempts at a Happy Family" God's Grace/Mom's Legacy" "God's Grace/Chris and Brenda's Beginnings" "God's Grace/My Rescuer" "God's Grace Through My Marriage" "God's Grace Shown Through My Children" "God's Grace in Changing our Marriage" God's Grace and Loving My Husband" Now-"God's Grace and Loss?" "God's Grace Through My Great Sorrow?" "God's Grace, Now What?"

My book of life: what legacy am I leaving my children? I am so tired just thinking of my future. It looks very boring.

August 8, 2009
I had a dream that I was looking out a window. But, instead of the window, there was just a screen in place of the window. It was early in the morning, just before dawn. I was waiting for Chris, and I said, "Hurry home, Chrissy." then I realized he's not coming home and I started to cry.

Grief is a strange occurrence in one's life. You can be dry-eyed one moment, not "okay," but without tears, then within a split moment, for whatever reason, the tears start flowing. And then, it's not only tears, but tremors that build into an earthquake, coming from the very innermost part of your soul. There is an inner wailing that erupts and continues until every part of you is spent.

I went to see "Mercy Me" in concert last night at the Tin Caps Stadium. The Zehrs, Staleys, Adams, Links, Audra, Derek, Beth and Val were all there. I felt that silent inner wailing rise up as the lead singer preached. It's very embarassing for that to happen in public, a bit disconcerting, but this is my life now. And what amazing friends I have as they comforted the best they knew.

It's now 8 a.m. on a Saturday morning, and I would normally be looking forward to 8:45 when Chris would walk through the door. I had a countdown every Friday and Saturday morning. But that is not to be.

And, yet, I know he is happy. I know that, given the opportunity, he would not want to come back to this part of his eternal existence. I know that I will see him again and for eternity, but it seems an eternity before that happens.

(to be continued)