Reflections on Grief In Its Raw Form

You know, when I say that we had been together for 37 years, you would think that we were in our late 60s, at least.

How can a couple who has seen only 50 and 51 years claim 37 years together? I like to say I was 2 years old when we got started, but....We were in junior high when we started "liking each other," or whatever it is you call it in junior high! I was 13 and Chris was 14. We stayed together all through high school, except for one month in my senior year. I had just bought a 1972 Vega GT and had taken Chris for a ride in it. Before he got out of the car, he told me he wanted to break up. I then proceeded to push him out of the car (literally!), which obviously did not go over very well. After one month he decided he didn't like the "single" life and asked me to get back together. Pathetically, within a heartbeat, I said yes. Two weeks later I said yes again when he asked me to marry him.

We were married at ages 18 and 19 and that is how we can claim so many years together!

It is now five months since my first journal posting. I still have those moments of that "inner wailing." But the pain is not quite so intense and raw, definitely still there, but there has been some healing.

I still don't know what this chapter of my life should be entitled and maybe, probably, I won't for awhile. I have no idea what my future holds and it still doesn't seem very exciting to me. I do not want a future without Chris, but I have no choice!

"Who am I?" "What is my purpose?" "Am I making a difference?" These are all questions one asks themselves in midlife. I am revisiting those all over again and when I (if I) get the answers, I'll let you know.

In the meantime, I'm trying to make the best out of a really crappy situation. I'm living my life, working, which entails visitations, teaching Bible studies, office work, counseling. I'm working out 3-5 times a week, taking care of my home and trying my best to help my children through this (which is another future posting), spending time with my amazing friends, enjoying their company more than they know.

But I still feel very lost, engulfed in this vast wilderness of grief, searching for my identity, wandering around, trying to find my way to wherever.